Landscaping for the Zombie Apocalypse

Now that the holiday season is in full swing, my thoughts naturally turn to much more pleasant things like the coming zombie apocalypse. I know, I know, it’s a ways off, but still I like to be prepared. Now that I’ve pretty much finished my plans for my zombie-proof compound, I’ve started to focus on the landscape because lord knows once it happens, it might be a tad hard to find my favorite  Loropetalum chinense or a male pollinator for all my female  Actinidia deliciosa. Now I realize that many of you are too busy with holiday shopping, decorating and baking to give much thought to your end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it landscaping needs, so I’ve decided to share a few must haves for the apocalyptic garden.

1. Prickly pear and natal plum. You are going to want to soften the exterior of that Medieval looking brick wall surrounding your place and what better than with plants that do double duty. I love the gray-green color of the prickly pear pads against gray or red block walls and the fruit is quite delicious. Natal plum has gorgeous waxy foliage edged in red and delicate white flowers. Most importantly, they have spines. Yes, I’m quite aware that the undead can’t feel pain. But as their body starts to decay, these thorny plants will help rip away the stringy bits of muscle slowing down the zombies even a bit more.

2. Grapes. Again the interior of those massive compound walls will also need a bit of softening, so what better than a fruiting vine? Grapes are hardy, long-lived vines. In colder climates, the color of the fall foliage is absolutely stunning. Plus, you are going to need alcohol. Lots of it. A good Merlot can make sitting out the end of mankind much more pleasant. It also makes your compound mates much more tolerable.

3. Lavender. I love lavender because it’s tough, undemanding and drought tolerant. Bees also love to visit the lovely  purple colored flowers and attracting bees to your landscape is quite important for your pollination needs. Plus, lavender flowers smell good and can be made into sachets. Rotting zombie corpses do not. Keep plenty of dried lavender on hand to mask that horrible stench wafting over from the neighbors and send you into a peaceful slumber every night.

4. Bamboo. In warmer climates, bamboo grows quickly and can create a nice dense noise reducing screen. Who wants to listen to all that moaning and groaning every night? Plus those galvanized tomato towers are only going to last a few seasons and will need replacing and your beans will need something to grow upon. I can think of hundreds of uses around the garden for bamboo canes. Cultivate the larger timber varieties and you can whittle the ends to some nasty points to help fortify your fortress walls.

5. Zucchini. Hands down the easiest, most prolific vegetable you can grow. Your peppers may fail to produce much, your tomatoes might not ripen before the first frost, but your zucchini will never fail you. Sure your compound mates might turn their noses up at your zucchini turkey, but if they are hungry enough, they’ll eat it. Also, leave these fast growing squash on the vine a bit too long and you’ll have something the size of a baseball bat that can be used as a weapon. If a woman can fend off a bear with one, you can certainly do some damage to a slow moving zombie.

6. Herbs. Salt raises your blood pressure and it’s already going to go up enough from having to face each day’s uncertainty. Plus you are going to run out of it sooner or later at the compound. So it’s best to grow a nice selection of herbs so you can turn those otherwise lack luster K-rations into gourmet meals. While you’re at it, don’t forget the Valerian to help settle your nerves after a long day of shooting practice and Feverfew to help get rid of the  pounding headache caused from firing those big rounds.

Now I’m sure that there are plenty of good choices I’ve missed. If you have an idea for a totally awesome plant for my zombie apocalypse compound landscape, let me know in the comments.

Next time we will discuss the virtues of worm composting and zombie corpse disposal.

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4 comments for “Landscaping for the Zombie Apocalypse

  1. at 3:18 pm

    Hilarious! I laughed my way through your post and will add these plants to my survival list pronto.

    • Kat
      at 1:23 am

      Thanks Pam, glad you got a laugh out of it.

  2. at 5:05 pm

    I happen to be an expert a protecting my house from the undead (I was addicted to Plants vs. Zombies for a time in my life I’m not proud of). So as an expert I suggest using Mammillaria elongata ‘Crest’ (Brain Cactus) to slow them down. As they unknowingly munch on these decoys they will chew up thier decaying mouths with the spines making it much harder to eat actual brains.

  3. Kat
    at 8:47 pm

    Brain Cactus!!! That’s brilliant. I knew there would be a zombie/plant expert out there somewhere.

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